In my dating life I’ve done a lot of stupid things. But I’ve also done a lot of right things.

From the time I was 17-22 I had dated the same guy. I thought that we would have a story book kind of love where I’d meet and marry my high school sweetheart. I think for awhile, I held onto that hope for so long, that I overlooked everything that was wrong with the relationship. There were a lot of warning signs and a lot of things I forgave that I wish I hadn’t . I wish I’d stood up for myself. In the end, I broke up with him. The first few days were really weird, but I can honestly say, that a week into it, I knew I made the right choice.

I had thought that the easiest way to get over someone, was with someone else. And it worked. I wasn’t sad or missing my ex. He had been the first and only man I’d ever been with, and it was exciting to kiss someone else. To have the nerves and the butterflies and all the things you forget about when you’ve been in a long term relationship. Those things matter.

So I kissed some boys. But interestingly, they were all boys I’d known or met previously. I’ve still never randomly hooked up with someone at a bar or a party.

Shortly into my new single life, I started dated a boy from my college past who I knew was very bad for me at the time. I got sucked in really quickly. I am not sure whether it is a flaw or an assett that I fall so hard. I invest myself and my heart and I really trust that person with it. We dated off and on for over a year and a half until he disappeared for too long and I met someone else.

His name was Brandon. Brandon was the kind of guy I had always pictured myself with. He was smart, very good looking, and had his shit together. He was a few years older than me, and in my eyes, he was the one I was going to end up with. Again, I fell really hard. I won’t go into the specifics of our relationship, but it was good. After about 6 months of me being totally happy and wondering if this could be love, on an October Saturday night, he suddnely broke up with me. I was completely blindsided. 

 

It was the third time I’d had my heart broken before I was even 25. Sometimes I wonder how many great loves we are supposed to have, and if I’ve expended mine. I still really believe that great love does exist, and I hope to god that I’m destined to have it. 

A few months have gone by now. In that time I’ve made some mistakes. We continued to booty call each other for some time (did I mention how good looking he was?) until one night, the night of my birthday celebration, he told me there was someone else. Again, I was blindsided. All the the reasons he broke up with me seemed a lie, and I was so angry. We were standing out there in front of my house, I was waiting for him to come inside, and that’s the moment he chose. I was upset about a lot of things, but mostly because we’d gotten together only 2 days prior. I was so angry. I wanted to know everything about her. 

We texted and half heartedly (on his part) fought over the next few weeks, until finally, I had to delete him from my phone.

 

I think that as time goes by, it gets easier. Sometimes I get really stuck on him. Sometimes I still stalk him on facebook. But I’m starting to detach emotionally from him for good. And I think I’m actually ready to date again.

I tried to old trick of kissing someone new in order to get over it, but it didn’t work this time. And I’m not sure what that means in terms of my failed relationship or in terms of this new person.

 

I am not very good at rebounding. I think it has to do with the fact that I never really get back the pieces the broke off from my heart.

In the mean time, I’ll probably make some more mistakes. I’ll continue to text boys who are bad for me (i.e. married guy). But I know that I’ll also do some really good things too. Being single pushes me to do things I would otherwise postpone…..getting the job I currently have, running the Broad St race, getting close to my friends.

 

I’m still searching for great love though. It helps me weed out the ones that aren’t going to stick around. I’m sick of boys who only want you to “hang out”. Some girls are worth taking the risk. Some girls deserve to be taken out on actual dates. Where are all the real men?

 

But I’m still piecing my heart back together. I’m not sure it will ever get whole again. Maybe that’s one of those things that happens when you find “the one.” 

I want great love. All consuming, obsessed with each other love. I want to be wanted.